 I was sitting with friends the other day telling them about some tough things that have been occupying far too much of my brain space these days. We're talking all-consuming, can't shake 'em, sucking-the-life-out-of-me thoughts. I loathe the fact that this happens occasionally, but it's true. One of them asked me what I do when that happens. The answer came easy. I get busy making something.
I'm not talking about the kind of busy that basically means ignoring something that needs to be dealt with. Trust me, as a fixer and someone who would choose to nip any kind of issue in the bud immediately, I would prefer to not let things simmer. But when that isn't an option, I'm as susceptible as anyone when it comes to a fast spiral into a deep, dark place. No, what I'm referring to is the kind of busy that forces your brain to go from thinking on things that are negative, dark, and defeating, and fixing your mind on things that are good - full of light and life. Over the past few years, I've come to see life as a constant grieving. It just is what it is. We are in a constant state of change. Letting go. Adjusting and adapting. If I sound like a Debby Downer, I don't mean to. The truth is, most of life requires a dying of some sort. Seeds fall to the ground and die. And then something grows. I wrote a song a couple of years ago and that started with this lyric: "I hope heaven has a cornfield in October, reminding me as autumn fades away, that even though it takes a little dying, life will come again on harvest day." I've thought about that lyric a lot the past few days as I've driven the country roads of Nebraska and seen farmers harvest their crops. Things die, we gather what remains, we move on making use of what we have gathered, and then the land begins to heal for a new season. I've tried to look at my creative life the same way. Life dishes out circumstance after circumstance and I either celebrate or grieve what has happened. The celebrating comes easy, doesn't it? Those are the best of days. But, I am also learning to see the very good things that come from the grieving moments too. When something dies, I can gather what is left, use it to make something, and at some point, I feel the healing begin. Grieve, create, heal. Grieve, create, heal. Over and over, this process has been life-giving to my soul on more days than I can remember. And once again, gratitude overflows. Maybe today a day for you to grieve. But, maybe today is a day for you to make something out of whatever you have left around you. Maybe today you sit down and write, or pull out your canvas and paints, or bake something that gives sustenance to your body and soul. To force your brain to think on things that are good, true, and lovely. I'm quite certain that if you can find a way to do whatever creative thing it is that you do, you will soon see the healing begin.
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 One of the most important lessons I've been learning the past few years is to somehow find the balance between grit and grace. To know when I need to push myself to put my head down and keep doing the work, and when I need to allow myself time to rest, breathe, recharge, and just be. This has not come easy for me. And like I said, I'm still learning.
I am by nature a doer. A fixer. Productivity matters to me. I want to know that progress is being made. To know there is a finish line and that I am doing everything I can to cross it. But too often, the act of doing has been the thing that has trumped all other things. And it is exhausting. For the past few years, I have been forced into a state of not doing for weeks at a time. Stupid cancer. While it was an adjustment - that's putting it mildly - stillness became my friend and I grew to love my time of quiet and reflection. Those moments when I had no expectation of myself except to simply exist and soak in whatever sights and sounds and emotions were enveloping me. Mostly for the sake of healing. The past year, I have been adjusting to my new normal, physically. My body doesn't do what I want it to or feel like I hoped it would feel, and it is unbelievably frustrating. For someone who has relied on grit to get herself through difficult moments, I've had to rely more on grace, letting myself off the hook, and allow the stillness to do its work in my life. I am also learning there are other areas of my life facing the grit vs grace dilemma, including my creativity. There are days, even seasons, when inspiration is hard to find. Times when I find myself in despair thinking I have nothing to offer the world. Moments when frustration and jealously block every creative thought I have because I'm too consumed with the success of others. In those moments, I find I have a choice to make. It isn't a choice of right and wrong. It involves doing the important work of self-examination and deciding whether or not I need to approach the situation with grit or grace. It requires asking myself if I should pour another cup of coffee, sit my butt in my office chair, and work until my fingers bleed, or, do I make the decision to go see a movie, treat myself to dinner out, call and catch up with a friend, or take a nap. Only I know which choice will help get me to the other side of the funk I'm in. I can certainly invite input from a friend in helping me figure out which choice to make, but ultimately, the choice is mine. I am trying to opt for letting grace be the trump card more often. To sit in stillness and give myself space to breathe in peace, let saner thoughts prevail, and allow new ideas find their way into my brain. For a doer like me, even this resting takes some effort. I think it will get easier with time, and because I have been forced to experience the benefits of rest in the past, I am confident I will experience the same in the days ahead. I hope you can as well. |
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