Again.

It's just a word. It means another time. Once more. Indicating a return to a previous state or position. It's just a word. But my goodness, the emotions that swirl around those five letters are deep and wide. And here we are again. 

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned it is to hold all things with an open hand. My possessions, my positions, my people. Nothing was mine to begin with. I'm just a caretaker of all I have been given, chosen to steward and shepherd it for a season. Some of those seasons feel like one long winter, and others pass far too quickly, like those few Nebraska days in May when spring settles in after a late snow, and before the sweltering heat and humidity hover over the land. If you blink, you might miss that season. The problem is, we don't always know how long the season we're in will last, and rarely do we appreciate all the beauty each season brings with it. 

My girl drove off today around 6 am, her car packed full of the very few items she has chosen with which to begin her new adventure in another city. A new season has begun. Again. 

We should have installed a revolving door when my oldest left for college, because since that day, our doors have continued to swing open and closed, as we have housed various members of the Boe family, both my mother and mother-in-law, as well as a few other random folks. Some return for just a night, some for months at a time. Sometimes they come between moves, sometimes they come because they want food or a game night or an old-fashioned sleepover. And sometimes, they come because their hearts are broken. Whatever their reason for coming, I am grateful they do. Grateful to have a place where their coming and going is even possible, even if it means they're sleeping on a couch or on an extra mattress thrown on the floor somewhere.  Grateful I am here for it, because there was a day I didn't know if I would be. 

Before you think I am always a fountain of hospitality, prepared to offer a feast to all who enter, and stand ready to provide care and comfort at a moment's notice, uh....no. Have I ever felt displaced or inconvenienced? Uh....yes. More times than I care to tell you. But what I can tell you, is it has always been worth it. ALWAYS. I've always been better when they leave than when they came. I have always had more joy, more laughter, more peace, more love in my life, because these doors have remained open. Say what you want about the freedom and fun of the empty nest experience. Frankly, a lot of what "they" say about it doesn't really appeal to me. However, I do enjoy the quieter times when I get to spend a little extra energy getting the nest ready for the next time a little bird might drop by. Especially now that the little birds have little birds of their own. 

Our family has enjoyed a season the past couple of years with all of us living within about 20 minutes of each other. It is a rare gift for families these days and a blessing I do not take for granted. I count it a special gift from God because ya know what? We needed it. We had a few years I thought would break us - leave us with wounds that might never heal. But in His kindness, God gave us this season. To heal, to rest, to prepare for new adventures. To sit around the table together, often. Now, we enter a new season with our people scattering to new places in search of new adventures. And while my heart skips a beat every time they come, it also breaks a little every time they leave. Partly because I just miss them when they're gone. And partly because I've learned that if you allow your heart to break open and feel the sorrow, you also make room for the experience of "again" not to simply mean "another time, once more, or a return to a previous state or position," but to actually be "a gain."

There is the potential for the breaking of your heart to enlarge your capacity to feel things you hadn't felt before, and to experiences things you never have. To have compassion for others in ways you didn't previously, and to live in ways you couldn't or wouldn't have before. To gain so much. No, the breaking isn't enjoyable, but the filling of the space created by the breaking can, if you let it, be incomprehensibly good. 

I am about to open a show at the theater where I work. It's a show I've had the privilege of writing, and now, directing. There is a line in one of the songs that says, "The glitter, the glory, the sparkle, the shine, the part of your story when stars all align, the day when your destiny turns on a dime, the rest of your life is an echo of one fragment of time." I've thought about that line a lot lately. The moments when my life has turned on a dime. When they happened, they didn't always sparkle and shine. But, given time, they have proven to echo throughout my life in ways I never could have imagined, leaving me with the ability to see the glitter and the glory. 

My people are having some of those moments these days. I pray they live these moments soaking in all the wonder and the joy of their adventures. I hope they face the difficult moments courageously and allow any breaking of their hearts to make room for something that will make them better. And, I hope they call occasionally and tell me about them. That would really be nice, my people. I'm just sayin'.  

So, today I am feeling the "again." And, I am actively looking for "a gain." I know it's coming. It has to be, because the breaking of this mom's heart is making space for it. Is it hard? Yes. Is it good? Yes. Will it change me? I sure hope so. 

I AM CHANGED BY A MOMENT
THE MAGIC OF A MOMENT
IT’S ONE I’M  GONNA TREASURE
IN A LIFETIME FULL OF MOMENTS
NO MATTER HOW THE YEARS ROLL BY
I KNOW I’M GONNA FIND
I’VE BEEN CHANGED BY A MOMENT THAT’S MINE

"Changed By A Moment" from WALNUT RIDGE
Lee Black / Gina Boe / Tony Wood

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