 It is the hardest part. The sitting down. The starting when you think you have nothing to say. The making yourself type blah, blah, blah on the keyboard until maybe, just maybe, a coherent thought becomes words on the page. This is where I am today.
I know I should be writing more. I am a consistent voice in the ear of several other writers who need me to tell them repeatedly, "Just sit down and do it." But, to myself, I am the voice ringing in my ears that says, "You have other things to do," or "You're too tired to write," or the worst of all things, "Nobody cares what you have to say." Lately though, the main reason I haven't sat down to write is something different. It isn't the ringing of those familiar voices saying the typical things to discourage me. I think it's because right now, writing feels dangerous to me. There are things stirring in my heart that don't feel safe to even put into sentences. Things that would likely invite criticism I've not experienced before. And keep in mind, I've received a lot of criticism for things I've written so that's nothing new. No, this is different. This is deeper. More personal. More exposed. All of which make me think it's more important than ever to sit down and do the hard thing - write. I have never been one to shy away from difficult conversations or entering conflict when necessary. Some closest to me might say I enjoy those kinds of discussions, and maybe I do. I like to think it isn't necessarily that I enjoy them as much as I see the value in having them. I genuinely welcome hearing other people's opinions, even if they differ from mine. The older I get, the less I care about the differences and the more I value the tension those differences often create. Notice I said "value", not "enjoy." Contrary to the opinions of some, I don't look for ways to start fights. Yes, I am more than willing to be the instigator of potentially uncomfortable conversations if I believe it will help us get to a decision or resolution or understanding quicker. I will undoubtedly answer for the times when I haven't navigated those situations well, and trust me, I know there are many. But, my failures in those moments will not keep me from pushing myself or others to enter into deep waters of human interaction if in my heart I believe they are necessary for growth or progress. On the other end of the spectrum regarding this issue, I am also less and less concerned with being right and achieving progress for progress' sake the older I get. I don't have the capacity to care as much as I once did about some things, and I'm finding fewer and fewer hills to die on when it comes to what I believe. The older you get the less you know, I suppose. And yet, in the midst of it all, I have a greater desire than ever to see people come to know the Truth. My love for people different than me is growing, and with it, my desire to express that love in ways that unite, not divide. Love that doesn't merely invite, but also welcomes, not dismisses. It is no surprise that all of this comes during a time when I am making the transition to being the mother of adult children who are in various facets of their lives living independently. I say "in transition" because while all of my kids have been adults for a while, life circumstances have created a revolving door in our home ushering us in and out of seasons where we have had adult kids living at home again. You can have whatever opinions you want to have about that. I really don't care. Unless you've walked in a family's shoes, you don't know what you'd do or not do as a parent to come alongside your kids. I'm certain that even amongst my own children, they have differing opinions on this topic, and someday, they'll get to parent their own adult children and figure it out as they go, just as we have. All in all, the blessings have far out-weighed whatever difficulties have come through having adult children living with us. Mostly, I've loved the conversations. Even the difficult ones that have challenged me in unexpected, but strangely delightful ways. It isn't easy to have your kid tell you something about their raising that has caused discomfort in any form. And yet, as I pray for a few more decades of life to live on this earth, I hope every single day is spent trying to do better. Be better. So I need them, and others, to tell me how I can improve. Don't let my willingness to open myself up to critique fool you. I'm well aware that simply because someone says you did something wrong, doesn't mean you are/were wrong. Sometimes a person just needs to vent and you get to do the listening. Then you get to ponder. Consider. And pray about what you need to change. I'll gladly do that. Okay, maybe not always gladly. But I'll do it. In many ways, I've been simplifying my life. Devoting my attention to fewer things and people and diving deeper into those people and projects I feel most called to. The deep dive is not easy. It requires shedding the buoys that try to keep you at the surface where it appears to be safer. It might actually be safer, but I don't believe it to be more beautiful or fulfilling. There are wonders in the deep. Places I haven't explored before. Places I've been afraid of. Places where some really good swimmers would tell you not to go because there are dangerous creatures like sharks down there. I guess I'm just not as afraid of the sharks as I used to be. I know who made me. And I know who made the sharks. Maybe I'm just tired of being afraid. I'm certainly tired of being told to be afraid. As I tend to some of these things that have been simmering for a while, I will likely pour some of what's stirring out onto the page. But, prepare yourself. You might not like what you read. You might think my faith is shaky. You might become concerned. Don't be. It's just me figuring stuff out. To unapologetically acknowledge what I don't understand and to stand even more firmly on that on which I refuse to yield or budge. You're going to get me in process, possibly walking a tightrope, holding a grenade in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, grateful for a net of grace below. That's it for now. Just wanted to give a word of warning. Thanks for being here, G
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