Grit or Grace?

One of the most important lessons I've been learning the past few years is to somehow find the balance between grit and grace. To know when I need to push myself to put my head down and keep doing the work, and when I need to allow myself time to rest, breathe, recharge, and just be. This has not come easy for me. And like I said, I'm still learning. 

I am by nature a doer. A fixer. Productivity matters to me. I want to know that progress is being made. To know there is a finish line and that I am doing everything I can to cross it. But too often, the act of doing has been the thing that has trumped all other things. And it is exhausting. 

For the past few years, I have been forced into a state of not doing for weeks at a time. Stupid cancer. While it was an adjustment - that's putting it mildly - stillness became my friend and I grew to love my time of quiet and reflection. Those moments when I had no expectation of myself except to simply exist and soak in whatever sights and sounds and emotions were enveloping me. Mostly for the sake of healing. 

The past year, I have been adjusting to my new normal, physically. My body doesn't do what I want it to or feel like I hoped it would feel, and it is unbelievably frustrating. For someone who has relied on grit to get herself through difficult moments, I've had to rely more on grace, letting myself off the hook, and allow the stillness to do its work in my life. 

I am also learning there are other areas of my life facing the grit vs grace dilemma, including my creativity. There are days, even seasons, when inspiration is hard to find. Times when I find myself in despair thinking I have nothing to offer the world. Moments when frustration and jealously block every creative thought I have because I'm too consumed with the success of others. 

In those moments, I find I have a choice to make. It isn't a choice of right and wrong. It involves doing the important work of self-examination and deciding whether or not I need to approach the situation with grit or grace. It requires asking myself if I should pour another cup of coffee, sit my butt in my office chair, and work until my fingers bleed, or, do I make the decision to go see a movie, treat myself to dinner out, call and catch up with a friend, or take a nap. Only I know which choice will help get me to the other side of the funk I'm in. I can certainly invite input from a friend in helping me figure out which choice to make, but ultimately, the choice is mine. 
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I am trying to opt for letting grace be the trump card more often. To sit in stillness and give myself space to breathe in peace, let saner thoughts prevail, and allow new ideas find their way into my brain. For a doer like me, even this resting takes some effort. I think it will get easier with time, and because I have been forced to experience the benefits of rest in the past, I am confident I will experience the same in the days ahead. I hope you can as well. 

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