GINA BOE
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​It is the writer's privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart.
​

William Faulkner​

C58, Flight 4945

1/24/2021

14 Comments

 
Some days I find great humor and joy in this journey. Today is not one of those days.

I am currently sitting at the airport in Phoenix. Perry, Houston, and I flew here yesterday to make a college visit to Grand Canyon University on Monday. Houston has narrowed down his college choices to two schools and this trip to GCU was going to be a big step in making his final decision. 

My brother lives here with his wife and daughter so after we arrived, we drove to their house and settled into a lovely evening with them, catching up and enjoying Debra’s amazing cooking.  I had been keeping a close eye on the weather forecast, knowing a storm was brewing back home. I knew if things started looking bad, I would be forced to reschedule my flight home to come back tonight instead of Monday night following our college visit. I am scheduled to get my port for chemo on Tuesday morning and missing that appointment just isn’t an option. I went to bed last night praying I would wake up to a scenario that would allow me to stay here a little longer. That didn’t happen.

This morning the forecast was worse, predicting the biggest snowfall of the season and treacherous travel conditions. So, I got online, changed my flight, then got in the shower and had a good cry. Perry and Houston will be making the visit to GCU on Monday without me. 

Anyone who knows me, knows how passionately I feel about being present for my kids’ activities and the special moments in their lives. There are a lot of things I haven’t been able to offer my kids, but I was always determined to do my very best to just be there. And as my friends would also tell you, the times I get most emotional about this cancer journey are when someone does something nice for me and when I think about the potential impact this will have on my kids. Houston is in his senior year of high school, which, let’s be honest, has been a sucky year in many ways. The thought of missing out on any of his last semester’s activities because I’m not feeling well, just about puts me over the edge. So today has been hard.

We did drive over to the GCU campus today so I could look around, and then I found great solace in a double/double burger and fries (animal style) from In and Out.  Of course I made myself feel better about that meal choice because I also ordered a Diet Coke. My definition of a balanced diet. 

When I am sad, I get angry. It’s my default emotion. So right now, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed at the helpful baggage check-in lady. I’m annoyed with the happy airport security woman. I’m annoyed at the thought of being C58 in Southwest boarding because I rebooked my flight and thus, was the last person to check in for my flight. Hello middle seat in the very back row. And I’m downright pissed off at the person sitting next to me looking over my shoulder reading this blog as I write it. Good grief, woman, keep to yourself!

I’m sure to everyone around me, I look like a perfectly healthy, middle class, middle-aged woman who is overly grumpy. In reality, I’m a heartbroken mom who is flying home alone and missing a moment with her son because she has to go home and get ready for chemo. But nobody knows that.  They just think I’m one of those people who scowls at the entire world and makes it very obvious I do not want to be bothered. By the way, I am not making excuses for my behavior tonight; I’m just working through this mess by letting you in on my lowest points, hoping the process of putting these thoughts to the keyboard might help me right my own perspective. I think it’s helping. 

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Be kind because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I suppose I am seeing first hand how true and important that really is. Helpful baggage check-in lady might be working a second job to help pay for her father’s assisted living. Happy TSA woman might be a single mom putting herself through school, trying to make a better life for her and her kids. Nosy woman-looking-over-my-shoulder might be a songwriter desperate for new song ideas so she’s invading the space of anyone she can find in hopes of finding that big idea. I really should feel sorry for that woman.   

I’m not afraid of bad days. I’m more afraid those bad days won’t turn me into a better person. I hope they will. I believe they will if I allow God to use them in that way. I pray my anger will soften and give way to compassion. That the number of minutes I spend thinking about my own stuff will decrease and the minutes I focus on others will increase. I pray my disappointments, like missing out on a moment, will become moments to trust I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even if that means sitting in the middle seat of the back row on flight 4945, going home alone. 






14 Comments
Karen Capes
1/24/2021 07:21:36 pm

Gina, thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so much, and the timing seems so painful (a son in his senior year). Not that Amy time would’t be painful.
I follow your posts and pray for you.
I just want you to know that your voice is heard. And, like your amazing song from WAJ, I find comfort and encouragement as I recognize myself in your words. That’s my story, too. Not the same story, but the same emotions and fears and pain and anger. That helpful baggage claim lady! I so get it!

Your openness helps me, and maybe there is just a little encouragement for you in knowing that.

Reply
Nancy Price
1/24/2021 08:01:36 pm

So sad you had to fly home early. I can really relate to wanting to be there for my kids. I would be upset also but I know you will remind yourself that for some reason this is God’s plan for your day. I don’t know if you know this but our son Craig is teaching at GCU this year. He would love to have your son on campus in the fall! I’m praying for you!

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Teri Eklund
1/24/2021 08:03:31 pm

Your children know what they mean to you. They love you and know you will kick this in the pants. Your unfailing faith is the best evidence of your strength! You just needed to hear that. Hugs beautiful lady. In Christ alone draw your strength.

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Deanna link
1/24/2021 09:47:40 pm

Nicely written, Gina. It’s a lot of raw and unexpected emotions when traveling through an unexpected journey.

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Barb Matson
1/25/2021 04:29:53 am

Praying for you Gina 🙏🙏💕

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Janine
1/25/2021 06:06:41 am

It just stinks when you have to miss out on those really important moments for your kids! Thinking of you and the end game to be around for your kids- hugs!

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Dawn Buell
1/25/2021 06:51:04 am

You’ll always be A-list Preferred in my book.


And His.

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Becky
1/25/2021 07:04:36 am

Gina...Your words are words that most of us share only in our journals and never with others...we want to look all put together and always say "I'm fine". I hate the word FINE...just ask Lauren....I THANK YOU for the pure honesty of your sharing and believe me, you are not alone. The story of Hagar reminds me over and over that God SEES me and God SEES you! I pray God's mercies are new everyday and that you feel HIs arms around you through this journey. Praying always everyday for you and your family. (((hugs)))

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Evann Gardels
1/25/2021 07:32:47 am

just like the verse I'm focusing on today, we are made NEW in Christ.. God's power is (obviously) at work with in you because you are desiring that renewed mind which many of us can see you already have. When we look in that mirror, we see past the scars and have to figure out how to love that person. Because God has given us the power to <3 So many prayers and thanksgivings for you Gina.

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Sandy Riggs
1/25/2021 09:21:54 am

My friend, we are so sorry that you are on this journey, but we pray and believe that God is making His Spirit known to you throughout all of the challenges and the bad days. One day at a time. Love you, and praying for you and your family.

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Paige Felt
1/25/2021 10:58:35 am

This brought tears to my eyes. I really don't know you other than a few times we have been around at church stuff. But I feel like I do know you. You are honest and caring and you have an amazing family. Your kids work hard (I detasselled my whole childhood). You have a super funny sense of humor and I love your cat. Keep doing what you are doing. You are lovely.

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Patrick
1/26/2021 06:02:04 am

There is hope in prayer and there is belief in prayer. I choose the latter. I will pray for you and I will be thinking of you. Better days are in front you. God’s mercy will come to pass. Stay strong Gina.

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Helga
1/26/2021 07:02:23 am

Gina - Thank you for your beautiful honesty. I so relate to the anger you spoke of. My 91 year old mom is in hospice and I’m taking care of her. I’m wrestling with so many emotions. Like you, my default seems to be anger. Mostly I feel the call to die to self everyday and I fight it. Oh sweet Gina I am in your corner, cheering you on, believing and praying for you. I know God is good and is your travelling companion on this journey. . He’s in your corner too!

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Tammy Hudson
2/28/2022 11:01:49 am

Gina, I have recently found your blog through FB, and I am so, so sorry for the pain you are going through, but through being the key word. God is good and says “…he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,” (Deut. 31:8).

I have connected with you in so many ways, including the pain (even though different). Your songs are beautiful and I am reading, “What If They Fly?” I am a ‘writer’ also, but still so much to learn.

Blessings to you and your family. Keep writing!

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