Health update: I am two months into my new meds and let's just say it's been an adjustment. I suppose I thought things would be a little easier during this stage. I think I just had in my mind that once you've been through chemo, two surgeries, and radiation, how hard can it be to take a few pills a day? Truth be told, radiation was a breeze compared to this phase. I am grateful to my doctors who've listened, done more tests, and made changes. I've got a long haul on these meds, if I choose to stay on them, so it would be nice to get to a place where I can be more active. Things are definitely better now, but I'm certainly not capable of what I thought I would be at this stage. Very frustrating. However, I am hopeful, persistent, and really angry at cancer, which I believe will serve me well in the days ahead. Pressing on... The page has turned on a new month which brings mixed emotions for me this year. December now feels like it will forever be defined as the month I was diagnosed. I hate that, and yet it feels a somewhat appropriate as well. In 2019, I wrote a song called O Dark December, which I'll post below. Having no idea what was in store for 2020 or 2021, I wrote what I knew at the time - that December, specifically in regards to Advent, is supposed to feel dark. We trod through suffering and sorrow, waiting for light. Then light comes and we rejoice at seeing the hope we have been offered. I've thought a lot about how I want to live out these last 31 days of 2021. I've thought even more about how I want to dive into 2022. It feels good to have plans. Dreams. Now if I can just have the energy to see them through. I know it will take some hard choices. Some change. That's where it gets difficult. But I know now with more certainty, many things that I claimed to know 11 months ago. And the things I am more certain of now demand I live differently. These next 31 days will be filled with reflection and sorting through what has and hasn't happened in 2021. I will talk with people I trust. I will gather information. I will make lists. I will keep dreaming. This may be a season of darkness, but I do believe 2022 will be brighter than ever. If December is feeling dark for you, hold on. Light is coming. I recorded the video below a few hours after having received the life-changing news I had breast cancer. Sometimes I watch this video and think, "I miss that girl." I miss her energy, her hair, her ignorance to what was happening inside her. Then I think a bit longer on who that girl is today - what she's been through and what she knows now. And aside from a few really awful moments, I wouldn't change a thing. I know God to be kinder, His people more loving, and His grace bigger than I ever thought possible. So grateful. O DARK DECEMBER O Dark December, how long is the night The silent wait for promised light We cling to hope of worlds aright O Dark December, how long the night O Dark December, how heavy the weight Of bitter winds and fleeting days We brace our souls for such dismay O Dark December, how heavy the weight And yet there is in hearts distressed A solemn, sacred confidence In strong, unwavered faithfulness Which steadies us to peace and rest O Dark December, how blessed and kind Your brutal mercy still reminds We weep assured of joy we’ll find O Dark December, how blessed and kind
1 Comment
Evann Gardels
12/2/2021 06:53:15 pm
You have a beautiful voice and offer up beautiful words in that song and through your blogs. God is certainly seeing you through new things with new eyes. Glad you wouldn't change a thing. Merry Christmas Gina.
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