I’ll Do Until I’m Done
Health Update: I’m 10 days post op and doing well. Mostly, I sit. I sit in the recliner, on the deck, occasionally on the couch. This is a new thing for me, sitting for long periods of time. I can see why people like it and I’m game for awhile, but as soon as these stupid drains are out of my body, I plan to move a little more. Surgery went well, recovery is going well, and all I had to do was wait on pathology. That came yesterday.
Yesterday was a good day. I keep telling myself that. It’s good to know things. It’s good to have a plan. It’s good to know I’m making progress, even when it feels like two steps forward, one step back. But yesterday, it didn’t feel like a good day.
Long story short, pathology was not what I had hoped for. Cancer was found in some lymph nodes which means I’ll have another surgery soon to see just how far this crap has spread. Radiation is now a part of the plan. When, I won’t know until we get these next test results back. I told Houston yesterday I have never once thought cancer would kill me; only that it would make life uncomfortable for awhile. Now, “awhile” looks a little bit longer.
I won’t lie, yesterday was hard. Grief. Anger. Sadness. Weariness. All the things a person should feel after getting that kind of news. But just before I went to bed, there was a flicker of hope, a very present peace, and I knew when I woke up this morning things would look and feel better.
God is a finisher. His Word tells us that. He starts things and He finishes them. He started something in me and He will finish it. I have no doubt about that. What bugs me sometimes is I want Him to tell me how and when He’s going to finish it. AND, I want Him to cheer me on all along the way. Pats on the back, happy feelings, satisfaction. I’d also prefer comfort and monetary gain, but I’m well aware those aren’t always a part of the plan.
What I really want is for God to say, “Well done!” at every turn. The problem with that is I’m not done. I’m still doing. I’m still putting one foot in front of the other. Still putting in the work. Still taking some punches. Still figuring stuff out. One day, I’ll hear Him say it. Until then, I’ll “do” until I’m “done.”
In the meantime, it isn’t as if He isn’t encouraging. He says things like, “Keep going.” “Be faithful.” “I am with you.” “I love you.” Those are very good things to hear and they make me want to look at days like yesterday and say it was a good day.
So this morning, I got up, put the coffee on, put on actual jeans and a shirt instead of pajamas, put on make-up and earrings, made myself a spinach, sun dried tomatoes, and feta omelette, and went to work. (Please don’t lecture me about still recovering from major surgery - I’m still just sitting here on my deck - and resting is one of the things I “do.”) There are songs to write, books to read (and write), and people to connect with. I may not have the stamina I wish I had right now, but with whatever energy I do have, I’ll sit here and do something. So even if parts of today get a little rough, tomorrow I’ll be able to say, “Yesterday was a good day.”
5/28/2021 07:30:09 am
I know that’s not the news you wanted. But it’s another step toward recovery. Radiation isn’t horrible. It’s just time consuming and uncomfortable toward the end. And I know you know this, but God will be close to you every step of the way, often through people who are caring for you and sometimes in little ways only you will notice. I wish I could give you a hug! I’m continuing to pray for you.
5/29/2021 06:28:31 am
Hate the news that means this is a longer process for you but love that you keep sharing Christ, His peace & guidance. Praying still. I'm thankful mostly that you know Jesus. All the rest will sift out. xoxo
Todd K Grove
5/30/2021 09:11:05 am
Everytime I read one of your blogs....the message I receive in my soul is......SHOW ME HOW BIG YOUR BRAVE IS! Thanks, Todd G
6/7/2021 06:24:01 am
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