Update I would have given had I posted this blog a few days ago when I originally intended to post it, but didn’t:
I am currently in the window when I feel pretty good. I’m grateful for these days when my I have more energy and can enjoy some normalcy, which really isn’t normal at all, but I’ll take it. The next round of chemo is looming and I’m dreading it, knowing how I’ll feel for 7-10 days after treatment. But again, I know the symptoms mean the drugs are doing their job, so it’s all good. I was somewhat prepared for the physical toll this would take on my body. I was not prepared for the emotional toll. It’s real and deep and raw. I am trusting there is great purpose in that as well, as if those symptoms mean this journey is doing it’s job on my heart.
Update for today!
Today is chemo day. Bless these meds. May they defeat the enemy. And may I weather these next days well.
I had intended to finish this blog during my treatment. That didn’t happen because I had ice packs on my hands and feet. So, it’s 9:20 p.m. and I’m exhausted. But I’m determined to finally post this thing. Which means, you’re getting brief thoughts about random things. It’ll have to do. I make no promises that this entry will be profound or inspiring, so read at your own risk.
1. I miss my hair. But gaining an extra 20 minutes of sleep every day has definitely been a nice thing.
2. I have been gifted a couple of plants and purchased a few more for my kitchen and living room. Green is a game-changer when you need signs of life around you.
3. One of the best things about growing up in a 4-season state like Nebraska is that you’ve learned to push through certain days because you know different days are coming. 105 degree July afternoons are more tolerable because October days are on the horizon. A ten-day stretch of below-zero temps and a foot of snow, though not fun, are doable when you know there will be a Spring. Those are helpful life lessons on days like today.
4. Best thing my doctor said at my last appointment - Let people help you. Best thing she said today - There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
5. If you don’t follow my cat yet on Instagram, you really should. @leosits I guarantee he’ll bring a little joy to your life. (I told you this list would be random)
6. There have been many days on this journey when it would have been easier to stay in bed. And there have been days when I probably should have stayed in bed and didn’t. I’ll admit sometimes I look back on some days and think I maybe didn’t make the best decision. But, I do think I make the best decision in the moment with the information I have so I’m giving myself grace in that area. The moments of good energy make me feel like I can do anything, so I try. The problem is that energy doesn’t last as long as it used to. The good news is I get a new day tomorrow to make a better decision if I can.
7. I have the most eclectic group of friends who have walked this journey with me. I am blown away by their kindness, humor, and empathy, every, single day.
8. Dear taste buds, when you come back, and I pray you come back soon, I promise to treat you better.
9. I was swapping chemo stories with my friend Joel the other day. We laughed, I cried, he spoke kindness and encouragement. Such a gift.
10. One of my biggest concerns going into this was missing out on some big moments, mostly with my youngest, Houston, as this is his senior year. But as I looked at the calendar, I noticed how all the events I told cancer I wouldn’t miss, will take place on days when I should feel pretty good. I tear up just thinking about it. Those are moments of mercy I do not deserve. Thank you, God.